This governing shit is hard, am I right? Obama made it look easy. He made a chump out of you.
Turns out this whole leader-of-the-free-world gig cuts into the time you have available for golfing, Twitter rants and pussy grabbing.
But I’ve got some good news for you: You don’t have to do this. You can just quit and go back to Trump Tower.
I know, I know, you have a thing about not looking like a loser.
That makes you smart.
So, because I care, I made you a list of reasons you can use to quit and still save some (orange) face.
You’ll like these; they blame someone else for your fai– uh, challenges.
For your convenience, I made them all less than 140 characters.
See? Any reasonable person will understand why you’re quitting and totally not think you’re a pathetic loser. You don’t have to tell them any of the real reasons, like the fact that your coke dealer can’t get past White House security and you’re sick of having to go to Mar-a-Lago every time you need blow.
So don’t wait another minute. Pick a reason and plug it into this handy template I’ve included below. Sign it, take a picture, tweet it. And maybe make a copy and give it to Pence to make it all official.
Then off to the golf course with you! You deserve it! Bigly!
I, [your name], hereby submit my resignation from the office of the President of the United State of America. While I would have done GREAT things – YUGE things — for this country, I can’t now because __________________.
So blame ____________________________.
I’m gonna go play golf and tweet about how amazing things would have been if I would have finished my term. And I’m taking Bannon with me.